harry potter & the stupid fucking cart

I'm lazy and topical. Cart Life video coming soon, if I can manage to get my shit together.

ask me about tobacco

Caught this downtown today, looks to be an off-the-rack Fortress-1700 equipped with a modified baby stroller and some sweet vanity plates. I would think the Exclusive Duro-Torque Drive System comes in handy when lugging around a toddler and all the shitty Indian smokes you flip each month with Junior's baby bonus cheque.

"Ask me about tobacco?" I was thinking more along the lines of "Ask me how the hell anyone is gonna fuck with this guy in the Cart Life Tractor Pull?"

Wait, there's going to be a scooter tractor pull?
There is now.

six degrees of kevin bacon double cheeseburger

Every day I try to learn something new, be it educational or otherwise. Not today. You see, there's this bitch that has a web journal, and unfortunately I found it. I'll get to that in a minute.

If you're new, this is a blog detailing my pathetic efforts to infiltrate my local carting community, figure out what their deal is, and maybe stir up some shit along the way. This cart blog is serious business and as such, I feel it is vital to stay focused on the topic at hand, personal mobility. Now this bitch I mentioned, she has a great story that I wanted to share with you, but felt it strayed too far off course; eyes on the prize and whatnot.

So to make a long story short, I'll break it down for ya:

-there's this bitch.
-this bitch has a fat-fetish website, does fat bitch porn, and is generally a fat bitch.
-this fat bitch has an online journal detailing her daily fat-bitchery, kinda like this site, but with grade 3 language skills and more fat housewife pictures than I could ever bleach my mind of. Or yours. Still, there are some gems in there that I felt you, the loyal cart-lifer, should share in.

"How am I to tell this lady's epic story and keep it relevant?", I asked myself. I had to make a six degrees connection between her story and my story. Luckily, the personal mobility gods were smiling upon me. Turns out this bitch rides cart.

While checking out the Oxycotin smeared memoirs and poorly shot photos of unimaginably disgusting women, it didn't take me long to figure out that this fat bitch isn't doing very well in the "being alive" department, and probably was doing this fatty porn to buy a cart. Sure enough, after a little more reading, I find a post about the day she finally got her personal mobility scooter.
Enough with the chit-chat, here's some of my favourite quotes from this fat bitch's blog, unabridged. She calls herself Lexi (rhymes with gross fucking cellulite covered grimace monster).

12/30/2001- "I think we invented a few new ways to fuck a Super Size Goddess like me. When he put his knee under my belly I could hear him moan cause it caused a major fat ripple down my body."

1/30/2001- "In honour of my special day first a very nice handsome man that frequents our parties bought us chinese food for lunch. Yummmmmm! That was the start. Tonight we are doing our first live orgy video. YES we are having fun here tonight!"

2/18/2001- "Sorry for the silence today. My daughter was in a really bad car wreck. She was hit by a drunk and drugged up driver with no license. He left the scene of the accident after."

02/22/2001- "Hmm I bet you'd like to know how many mouths went around this 20-incher. It was fun!!!!!!"

3/01/2001- "Announcing the guess the Pussy contest. Winner will get a free video. First correct answer wins so get your answers in. Here is the pussy to look at."

3/31/2001- " As most of you know I have been homebound for 7 years with no way to get around out in the world. Looks like my luck is changing."

4/01/2001- "A lot of you have been emailing me asking about my health since you have been watching me sleep a lot on the webcam. Sorry I have not been more active on there. I was taking some pain meds for a few days."

4/02/2001- "Well as it turns out my arm is fractured. I woke up in severe pain today and they realized there was something wrong. So its awfully fun trying not to use my arm to do things LOL."

5/31/2001- "Nothing much happened today. We were all kinda lazy. Especially my roomate Blonde Mirage. I think she stayed up too long LOL."

6/10/2001- "Gosh I am lazy today. I have had 4 cups of coffee and still cant wake up. Might HAVE to give in and sleep today LOL."

6/13/2001- "I think I slept through yesterday. Couldnt seem to stay awake for more then an hour. I think depression is setting in. Anyone want to chat on the phone? Call me if you do. Email me first and ill give you my number."

6/21/2001- "One of our sexy models we just discovered is in trouble and needs a roommate/caretaker. Due to recent happening in her life she's temporarily immobile and in need of care."

7/08/2001- "The last 4 years my birthday was awful. In fact last year was the worst ever so it won't take much to improve on it.LOL"

7/23/2001- "Must be a full moon or something today.It has been a very strange day. My friends are acting very strange and very Horny! They all can't wait for the party. Sex is in the air LOL."

8/04/2001- "Well I almost have my scooter. About 2 more weeks and I get to hit the streets after 7 long years in this house. Everyone keeps asking what is the first thing I want to do LOL."

9/11/2001- "Well the day has finally come I have my scooter. I am now mobile. Watch out here I come. I am also making a suprise visit to someone who does not yet realize I am coming. Boy are they going to be shocked to see me roll into where they are LOL."

9/14/2001- "If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat."


So that's it, the 650 pound porn bitch gets a scooter and goes outside for the first time in seven years on September 11, 2001. 9-fucking-11.

Maybe there is a moral to this story, but fucked if I know. At least it had carts.

the passion of the cart

Ya, I know. Cripples, gays, now jews, very classy. I just don't care because today I present to you the ultimate in sacrilegious personal mobility, the EV Rider Sportster SE Dual Passenger!

A two-seater cart you say? Well, not just any double wide. This is, in fact, the first cart certified by the Tzomet Institute as " the only electronically driven mobility product permitted to be used on Shabbat and Holidays."

Let that sink in for a moment. Religious beliefs used as a selling point for a device that encourages a deadly sin, sloth (and most likely gluttony).

Now I ask you, what would the road warrior do, Kyle?

FUN FACT: The Tzomet Institute is a research group that finds technology-based loopholes in Jewish law to circumvent halachic permissibility. Their accolades include a kosher cell phone, a kosher computer mouse, and even a kosher pen with ink that becomes illegible with time making it a less severe transgression on sabbatical holidays. The more you know!

message in a bottle

In the not too distant future every last cocksucker is gonna be rolling around on a personal mobility scooter. That is a fact. Not much I can do about it. Just continue to preach the prophetic truth...

Designing a space scooter must be a lot like when they try to make gay people on TV seem hip and normal.

a racer`s heart

Sure, not every carter is a scumbag, but most are. This is Ed. I don`t know if he is a scumbag, if he truely needs a PMS, etc. I don`t even know if Ed is his actual name yet. You see, I`ve been apprehensive about approaching these folk so far. I need to do a little more investigative research into their kind to get a feel for what makes PMS riderz tick. All in good time.

What I do know is that Ed has a racer`s heart. He has 2 extra tires, racing decals and some bad-ass skull, gun, and cobra stickers on his PMS.

And that, my friends, easily makes him the early front-runner in the PMS Cart Racing Gran Prix.

Now we`ll have to wait and see if he is ready to take it to the next level. I`ll be tracking him down shortly to see if I can get a Cart Life exclusive, shouldn`t be too much trouble.

the calm before the shitstorm

I need to clear up a few things before we get motoring.

I don't think it's awesome to take pictures of retards, invalids, or amputees and post them on the internet. I find pictures of retarded people amusing, but they aren't really fair game.

I do believe, however, that if you have the gull to either:

a) let yourself get so morbidly obese that you need a machine to physically transport you to your next location or

b) screw taxpayers out of around $7,000 per scooter for low-life jerkfucks to shamelessly ride around town clogging up sidewalks, Wal-Marts and buses, all the while frontin' like they're regular citizens driving around their prefered vehicle of choice

then yes, you deserve a moment in the spotlight.
Fuck off, I've got work to do.